Anton Chekhov’s observation—”That which we experience when we are in love is perhaps our normal state. Being in love shows a person who they should be”—highlights love’s transformative power to reveal our best selves. Yet, the concept of the hedonic treadmill, where initial excitement and novelty diminish over time, poses a threat to this “normal state.” Relationships and feelings of love, no matter how intense at first, can fall victim to this adaptation, leading to discontent and a longing for something new. However, there are antidotes to this cycle that can preserve and deepen love.
The Hedonic Treadmill and Love
Initial Bliss: Falling in love often brings a surge of dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals responsible for pleasure and bonding. This “honeymoon phase” feels extraordinary because it heightens emotions, making everything seem meaningful and euphoric.
Adaptation: Over time, the brain normalizes this heightened state, and the novelty wears off. As love becomes familiar, it may feel less exciting, leading some to mistakenly believe the love itself has diminished.
Discontent: Without awareness, individuals may seek external stimulation or even new relationships to recapture the lost euphoria.
The Antidote: Cultivating Lasting Love
The antidote lies in replacing novelty-driven love with intentional, conscious, and sustainable love. This involves deliberate practices and mindsets to maintain connection, intimacy, and meaning. Below are key strategies:
Practice Gratitude for Your Partner
- Why it works: Gratitude shifts focus from what is lacking to appreciating what you already have. This combats the hedonic treadmill by continually renewing appreciation.
- How to practice:
- Regularly reflect on your partner’s positive qualities and contributions.
- Express appreciation through small gestures, notes, or direct acknowledgment.
Embrace Growth Together
- Why it works: Shared growth fosters novelty and excitement, keeping the relationship dynamic.
- How to practice:
- Set joint goals (e.g., travel, learning new skills, or fitness challenges).
- Support each other’s personal growth and celebrate achievements.
Rekindle Romance Through Intentional Effort
- Why it works: Novelty can be reintroduced without needing a new partner. Thoughtful actions keep the relationship fresh.
- How to practice:
- Plan surprise dates or experiences.
- Revisit meaningful places or moments from your early relationship.
Develop Emotional Intimacy
- Why it works: Deep conversations and vulnerability build a stronger bond that transcends surface-level excitement.
- How to practice:
- Schedule regular times to talk about dreams, fears, and aspirations.
- Listen actively and empathetically, showing genuine interest in your partner’s thoughts.
Focus on Self-Improvement
- Why it works: Love thrives when both partners bring their best selves to the relationship.
- How to practice:
- Maintain personal hobbies, fitness, and mental well-being.
- Cultivate self-awareness to address insecurities or habits that may hinder the relationship.
Prioritize Physical and Emotional Affection
- Why it works: Physical touch and emotional closeness release oxytocin, which strengthens bonds.
- How to practice:
- Hold hands, hug, and kiss daily.
- Create rituals of connection, such as a nightly check-in or shared gratitude practice.
Reframe Problems as Opportunities
- Why it works: Facing challenges together strengthens resilience and teamwork.
- How to practice:
- Approach conflicts as opportunities to grow closer, not reasons to drift apart.
- Focus on solving problems collaboratively rather than blaming each other.
A Shift in Perspective: Love as a Journey, Not a Destination
The hedonic treadmill can be overcome by reframing love as an ongoing journey rather than a static feeling:
Love as a Choice: Recognize that love requires active participation. Passion may fade, but deeper forms of love—commitment, respect, and shared meaning—can grow.
Celebrate the Ordinary: Find joy in everyday moments rather than chasing constant highs. Cherish the routines and quiet comforts of life together.
Anchor in Shared Values: Align your relationship with deeper values, such as family, faith, or service, to give it a lasting foundation.
Practical Tools for Sustaining Love
- Gratitude Journal: Keep a shared journal to list things you’re thankful for in your partner each week.
- Date Night Ritual: Commit to weekly or monthly date nights to keep the relationship fun and intentional.
- Check-Ins: Use structured check-ins (e.g., “How can I support you better?”) to maintain open communication.
- Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness or meditation together to stay present and connected.
Conclusion
Chekhov’s idea that love reveals who we should be underscores the transformative potential of love. Yet, the hedonic treadmill can erode this state if left unchecked. The antidote lies in embracing love as an intentional, evolving practice. By cultivating gratitude, emotional intimacy, and shared growth, we can sustain a love that transcends fleeting euphoria, creating a partnership rooted in deep connection and meaning. True love flourishes not in chasing novelty but in nurturing the profound.
