EMOTIONS AND CONCERNS OF A FATHER
Becoming a father is morphing into one who is constantly worrying and thinking about their children and how to help them understand the difficult world we live in while teaching them responsibility, compassion and how to navigate by making the right choices in an environment which rewards fraudulent behavior and is currently at war the families in an anti-family culture.
By becoming a father, we can feel inadequate with our lack of knowledge in all the fields that intersect family life. Mistakes and peeing on the electric fence all part of life, but to help avoid them more frequently, reading, observing and listening could help become a better father, husband and person.
“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” — Will Rogers
Looking back we may or may not have had great mentors, which may have included own father’s, uncle’s, grandparent’s and other adult men in different roles throughout our lives, who modeled what a good person and parent were all about.
In the article, Culture War – Dishonoring our Father’s This Fathers Day. We articulated the war being waged on fathers in deconstruction of the family.
In this article, we want to show how important fathers are in maintaining a strong and healthy culture when they are allowed to perform their skills and teach their values. We need to bring honor and respect back to our culture for fathers (and mothers) and our society. We need to restore a healthy pro-family culture in order to become a strong and moral nation once again.
VALUES AND SKILLS A FATHER LEARNS AND BRINGS TO THE TABLE
Here’s compiled list to show what skills-sets fathers gain along the way of life. The skills and values don’t come all at once, it is layers upon layers with trial and error as we try to figure out life as we are involved in pressures of dealing with society, raising children and being a husband. There are so many moving parts.
- Provider (He is a steady provider and works to see that his family has the necessities of life.)
- Protector (He does everything in his power to keep the family safe from that which would injure or harm the family members physically, emotionally or spiritually.)
- Teacher (He shares his knowledge and principles to help family members grow and develop.)
- Friend (He shows kindness, compassion and interest in the family members.)
- Exemplar (He shows by the way he lives an example of what the family stands for.)
- Patriarch (He is honored because of his moral character and actions.)
- Disciplinarian (He helps the children learn proper boundaries and consequences.)
- Spiritual leader (He does his part to help establish faith in God and belief in principles of accountability to him.)
- Treats his wife with respect (He shows love and respect and lives totally faithful to his wife. He shares the workload as a partner with his wife.)
- Mentor (He helps children understand that respect for their parents is important. He show respect for his children.)
- Hard worker (He desires his children to work alongside to see how things are done and able to instruct and answer questions along the way.)
- Playful (He is playful, by enjoying his children in teasing and even rough housing with them.)
- Encourager (He encourages his children along the journey by creating confidence and a desire to do better by self-improvement.)
- God, first (He teaches and models his love for God by doing the small to great things by praying with them and exhibiting faith.
- A journey of small steps. (Becoming the father you want to be is a journey of small steps. You are never too old to learn and to change where needed. The changes may seem awkward at first and will require persistence. This is your personal journey — the one you have chosen and want to succeed at. It will require devoted effort.)
EMPATHY BY WALKING IN THE SHOES OF A YOUNG MAN AS HE DEVELOPS INTO A SEASONED FATHER
“Don’t be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn’t do, what you do or think as you think, or as fast. There was a time when you didn’t know what you know today.” — Malcom X
In watching Not Many Fathers – Bishop T.D. Jakes, one is able to understand the phases of a young man, as he travels down the road of life, learning and growing. It’s very telling and helps explain fathers in a way that is helpful to father’s now and in the future. As well as helping us understand our own fathers and empowering us to withhold judgement as they grew up by trial and error, learning from their mistakes.
This also help wives, mothers and daughters understand their father, husbands and brothers as well. And not forgetting that our wives and children are also learning, growing and trying to understand themselves and the world in unison and at the same time.
Everyone, including the children and mother are constantly learning and growing layered upon themselves and those in the family as we all contribute into the tapestry of the family, the foundation of a strong nation and microcosm of society.
THE MEDIA ONLY COVERS PLANE CRASHES
“The media only shows the worst of us, which causes us to see the worst of us and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy to tell me that my skin is darker than yours. I’m probably not going to stay. We don’t reward the fathers who stayed. We don’t reward the families at work. We don’t reward the marriages that stuck together. We do it all the time. Now I understand, to the media and I have that go to this church. Nobody covers planes that land. They only cover planes that crash, but that’s the media’s responsibility. In church, we need to lift up the ones that are working so we can see that it does work, that does happen and we do exist.”
In Culture War – Dishonoring our Father’s This Fathers Day, we articulated and pointed out how the media through entertainment (indoctrination by spoon feeding feelings, thoughts, attitudes and mindset) to those who consume it like food and drink that are harmful to the host), these “narratives imposed on society today by an overreaching federal government, an out-of-control deep state, a weaponized media, and corporate and social media behemoths.” (5)
These narratives “found that working-class fathers are overwhelmingly depicted by network and cable shows as “bumbling” and “incapable.” (6)
Thus, women and children, wives and mothers endure a steady stream of negativity and mental poison injected into their minds and heart concerning their husbands and fathers with this anti-family narratives and indoctrination. Is it any wonder why 70 percent of the women today are filing for divorce?
“You have to remember who the audience is,” Lotz says. “With a show like Good Luck Charlie, the kids are the main characters, and good parents would get in the way of interesting story lines. Also, women watch more TV than men, so most shows and commercials are written to appeal to them.” (6)
The steady stream of negativity shows. Women and children, our wives and families have been trained by repetition to view and see him as an idiot, moron and buffoon. Their subconscious is being rewired and tampered with. Their attention is pointed to see only bad, constantly highlighting it and keeping it focused on negativity. Fathers are seen as the problem in a faked, scripted, and programmed narrative.
“Easy to spot a red car when you’re always thinking of a red car. Easy to spot opportunity when you’re always thinking of opportunity. Easy to spot reasons to be mad when you’re always thinking of being mad. You become what you constantly think about.” — unknown
We need to change this by switching the narrative, turning off the news and the entertainment (indoctrination). Start pro-family activities by intentionally living the correct choice and do it daily. Remove ourselves and our loved ones from these venomous crimes against humanity.
“Haidt provides the helpful metaphor of the rider and the elephant. The rider is the conscious mind with its rational functions and volitional power. But the elephant is everything else: all the internal presuppositions, genetic inclinations, subconscious motives, and layers upon layers of uninterrogated, raw experience. Needless to say, the elephant is bigger (more powerful) than the rider.” (7)
The elephant will win every time, unless we become conscious and train our subconscious which is the elephant to obey and listen to the rider.
Our wives and children’s subconscious minds have been programmed to have resentment, dislike, disgust and disdain for their fathers and husbands. The elephant is controlling their thoughts, feelings, attitudes and mindsets as they have been hijacked and coerced.
A YOUNG MAN QUESTIONS AND IS CRITICAL OF HIS FATHER WHO WANTS TO CONNECT AT AN OLDER AGE
“I am 25, and growing up my father, he was present and was able to provide. But there were times, I wasn’t able to have discussions with him. Like the conversations would be brief and there wasn’t a lot of transparency with that. And as we both got older. As I got older, he started to go through health complications with cancer. There will be times, where he wants to be more communicative, more forthcoming with me. But there will be times, where I notice myself not being forthcoming with him or being transparent or just being short. My question relates to. Why is it with some fathers they have a hard time with being transparent, early on when the children are through their childhood. And as they get older, if its to late as they want to become more forthcoming with their child.“
As a young adult, he was frustrated with his father as they weren’t able to have deep conversations while he was younger. It was only when they both got older, and the father was having health issues that he felt his father was trying to connect with him. It was as if the young man may have resented his father by saying it was possibly to late to have a relationship with his father.
FATHERS ARE TROUBLESHOOTING LIFE WHILE JUGGLING RELATIONSHIPS AND SOCIETY
“It’s never to late. The fact that he is still living is never to late. . . . I am going to explain to you why your father was the way he was. . . . generationally, I want you to understand. . . . we’re busy trying to make the world better for you. Trying to get the stuff . . . giving you me is valuable. . . . you must understand at the time that your father had you, he wasn’t the age he is now. He was your age. So, he’s scuffling trying to make his mark in the world and try to figure out marriage, and figure out relationships and make everything work. What you wanted from him in terms of transparency, was going to come, but it’s not suppose to come when you’re 7, 8, 9, 10, or 12. Those kind of conversations of transparency, where he becomes vulnerable and shows you what’s right and what’s wrong with him. It’s the joys of having an adult son. It is amazing to have an adult son, because I am through discipling you, I am through training you. I can now talk to you. If you overcome the propensity to shut down and imitate what you saw early terms of nonverbal communication, then you can become best friends.”
It’s never to late to make amends and bond with people when they are still alive. The question and issue addressed by the young man, is generational and is experienced and observed as we age and mature by reflection and understanding, then trying to explain the life’s journey to our adult children. Fathers were busy trying to understand their jobs as it is in life, always changing and evolving as in marriage, relationships and time management.
As any 25 year old would say, life is not easy to understand and we are still trying to figure ourselves out as we throw in all the skills and values we are learning along the way and mixing other people of maturity or immaturity, age and ideas in the melting pot of being a family.
“You do your best until you know better, then you do better. Then when you know better, do better.” — Maya Angelou
We are all at different levels in maturity, knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes, we don’t know a better way, until we fail. It is through trial and error that we learn what’s best. We then do better, until we come upon the next learning curve, challenge and/or opportunity.
FATHERS HAVE CLUES TO THEIR CHILDREN’S GENEOLOGY AND NAVIGATION IN LIFE EXPERIENCES, BUT DON’T HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT EITHER
“You have to talk to him, because he is in you. . . . You’ll never fully understand certain things about yourself, unless you talk to him or talk to people who knew him. Because figuring yourself out is a journey. It is not an event. It is a lifelong journey. I’m still learning me. I’m 64 years old and I’m still learning me. This is a lifelong educational process. What he will give you is clues.“
Learning is a lifelong journey, and as we talk to our fathers, they will give us clues for life and in figuring out ourselves as they have also went through the process and can give advice, suggestions and direction instead of peeing on the electric fence.
FATHERS ARE INUNDATED AND FLOODED WITH DEMANDS AND NEEDS FROM A VAREITY OF SOURCES
“But it is hard to have time to give clues and pay the rent and pay the tuition and buy the clothes and spend time with momma. And my parents are aging and they are demanding from me and you’re demanding from me and your momma’s demanding from me and my job is demanding from me. And I only have 24 hours in a day and I’m about 24, 28, 30 years old.”
The advice and clues comes at a later date in life, because fathers time is demanded in so many ways in order to make sure the needs of each family member is met along with extended family obligations. Fathers have an allotted amount of time, but the demands of every aspect of life cuts into each moment. The father is put in a no-win situation in almost every setting and position as everyone’s expectations are pressing, stressful, exhausting and taxing to one person.
FATHERS ARE TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND DUTIFUL AS A PROVIDER AND BREADWINNER
“He did not talk to you, because of you. That’s what you’ve got to hear. It wasn’t about you. It was trying to be responsible. It was about trying to be dutiful. It was about trying to be a provider. If a man is at home all the time, and he’s the breadwinner, that’s a bad sign. And the problem with being a father is, you can never get it 100%. If I give you time, we don’t have money. If I get the money, you don’t have me. I can’t be there and earn a living at the same time. I’m limited, and I have an obligation to make sure your life is better than mine. That’s part of it. Am I right?”
As fathers are trying to figure out life and meet all the demands placed on a young and developing mind and heart, it is not that they aren’t speaking to their children out of displeasure, mistreatment or discontent, but due to piecing together all the responsibilities they have committed to in order to fulfil all of life’s expectations and curve balls thrown in their direction as they juggle life and duties.
As a breadwinner, if the father is home, he is not able to be a provider. Time is valuable and sometimes its a choice between making money to meet everyone’s needs or spending time with the family. Father can’t do both and can’t be in two places at once. This is just as frustrating for the father as the children and wife.
EVERYBODY WANTS IT NOW AND THERE IS ONLY A SMALL WINDOW OF TIME WHICH ALLOWS FATHERS TO PROVIDE A LIVING FOR THE FAMILY
“The difficult thing about being a father is that everybody wants it now. The kid wants it now. The wife wants it now. The job wants it now. The opportunity is now because in your early years are your earning years, you’re only going to have so much health and strength before your body starts betraying you. So you’re racing against the clock, trying to get everything settled, while you have the energy to get it done. Before your body gives out. Now he’s wrestling with cancer. So he can’t he can’t do it now. If he didn’t do it, then you wouldn’t have had it. So it’s not that he’s just now getting around to you because you weren’t important, it’s that he’s just now getting around to you. Because the clock was ticking. . . . we can now have a house with air conditioning.“
Everyone “wants it now” from children to the wife and to the job. The early years of being a father are the “earning years”, where health and strength are in its prime. Trying to get out of debt, before “your body starts betraying you.” It’s a race against the clock while the father has energy and before health problems appear and set in. “If he didn’t do it, then you wouldn’t have had it.” It’s part of the evolution and development of fathers in all areas of life. As fathers and children get older, the demands subside, and time opens up to now have those deep and vulnerable discussions about clues of who we are and bonding with one another. This is when we really get to know our fathers.
Don’t be mad or resent it, but be thankful for the middle ages to really get to know our fathers.
NORMAL FOR THIS GENERATION ARE THE MIRACLES OF PAST GENERATIONS
“You don’t all understand. All the things that you called normal, were our miracles. We can now have a dishwasher. We can have a doorbell, we can have a yard with grass in it. We can have a couch and a guest room. Look at us. . . . Your normal is your daddy’s miracle. But the reason you don’t see it is because it’s normal.“
Perspective of normal for one generation is the miracle of the previous generation. Now it is expected and even entitled to have luxuries and material goods as the starting point instead of an end of hopes and needs. Possessions are piled up, but at what cost? What about the mental, spiritual and emotional side of humanity.
CHILDREN DON’T FULLY VALUE AND APPRECIATE BELONGINGS BECAUSE THEY GREW UP IN IT AS THE NORM
“So it’s an Achilles heel. It’s the same thing I told him. Everything he worked to give you. You don’t really fully value it because you grew up in it is your norm. And you’re saying Why did you talk to me? I was working. I was gone. I was hustling. I was negotiating. I was trying to make sure they didn’t foreclose on the house. I tried to make sure that your school payments were made. I tried to make sure that you had new tennis shoes when you went to school. I tried to make sure that we had clean diapers to put on your butt.“
If children are mad or angry at their fathers, for not talking to them, they need to know and understand he was working to provide for his family. He was sacrificing his sleep, mental fatigue and undesired time away from the family knowing full well his offering was being enjoyed in the comforts of a home and needs maybe–not wants met–doing his best until something better in the sense of skills, value, principles and opportunities opened-up for the benefit of the family in the areas of emotional, mentally, physically and spiritual growth and well-being.
THE WINDOW OF YOUTH AND STRENGTH FOR FATHERS HAS A TIME LIMIT
“I didn’t have time for a conversation. It wasn’t that I didn’t like you. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to you. It was that I was busy providing because I knew that the clock was going to shut me down in a minute. And if I didn’t get it done in that window of youth and strength and no backaches and no hip replacements and no heart attacks and no surgery. That’s just a little bitty window. Your strength is to the men young men hear me please. Your strength is a short window where you are at maximum capacity, where you can go to work tired and still function, where you can function with no sleep, where you can still get it done, where you can still get everything done. That’s just a short window and every man that’s worth his salt is running and through that window trying to get it done in that window.“
Fathers only have a limited window of time to provide, while they have the physical strength and capacity to do so. To fault them for being responsible providers and protectors, because of the demands of the children or wives are not meeting their every requirement of their limited beliefs all the time is unfair and could be construed as selfish as he is constantly bombarded by everyone in a no-win environment.
FATHERS EXPRESS THEIR LOVE BY PROVIDING FOR THEIR FAMILIES
“You only crave what you didn’t get. Now, I can’t stop you from craving it. But I can’t explain it. It wasn’t that there was something wrong with you. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust you. It wasn’t that he didn’t love you. He expressed his love by providing for you.“
Fathers express their love during the working year window, by providing for their family.
FATHERS SHOW THEIR LOVE BY PROTECTING THEM
“A father protects, that is what gives him meaning.” — Avatar: The Way of the Water
OBEYING AND LOVING ARE NOT ALWAYS IN LINE OF HONORING FATHERS
“You’re grandmother, could never be your mother and your grandfather or stepfather can never be your father. They can be your parent, but not your father. . . . God is so smart. God never told us to love our father. . . . he just says, honor. Honor doesn’t mean to love, because from folks, the stuff did or didn’t do makes it hard to love them. He never told you to love them. He said, Honor your Father . . . he didn’t even say obey your father, because your father may be doing things you shouldn’t do. . . . He didn’t say obey your mother, because she maybe living a lifestyle that God disagrees with. Your father might ask you to do some things that are completely against God’s will.” — Dr. Myles Munroe
We need to return to the basics and restore the principles and character our nation needs to regain our greatness once again.
COUNTER CULTURE: HONOR BACK INTO NEEDS TO BE RESTORED
1. To revere; to respect; to treat with deference and submission, and perform relative duties to.
2. To reverence; to manifest the highest veneration for, in words and actions; to entertain the most exalted thoughts of; to worship; to adore.
3. To dignify; to raise to distinction or notice; to elevate in rank or station; to exalt. Men are sometimes honored with titles and offices, which they do not merit.
4. To glorify; to render illustrious.
The Boy Scout Oath epitomizes, illustrates and exemplifies honor and the chore characteristics to maintain the principle. Imagine what change this would have on our culture and our families if we would learn and apply these characteristics in our families once more. This would combat the current trends of slamming and attacking fathers in our unhealthy culture.
SCOUT OATH OR PROMISE
On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.
DUTY TO GOD AND COUNTRY: Your family and religious leaders teach you to know and serve God. By following these teachings, you do your duty to God.
Men and women of the past worked to make America great, and many gave their lives for their country. By being a good family member and a good citizen, by working for your country’s good and obeying its laws, you do your duty to your country. Obeying the Scout Law means living by its 12 points.
DUTY TO OTHER PEOPLE: Many people need help. A cheery smile and a helping hand make life easier for others. By doing a Good Turn daily and helping when you’re needed, you prove yourself a Scout and do your part to make this a better world.
DUTY TO SELF: Keeping yourself physically strong means taking care of your body. Eat the right foods and build your strength. Staying mentally awake means learn all you can, be curious, and ask questions. Being morally straight means to live your life with honesty, to be clean in your speech and actions, and to be a person of strong character.
SCOUT LAW
- Trustworthy,
- Loyal,
- Helpful,
- Friendly,
- Courteous,
- Kind,
- Obedient,
- Cheerful,
- Thrifty,
- Brave,
- Clean,
- and Reverent.
(1) Not Many Fathers – Bishop T.D. Jakes
(2) Dennis Prager Honor Your Parents
(3) Dennis Prager Are Fathers Necessary?
(4) Why Do We Honor Fathers? | Dr. Myles Munroe
(5) Why Americans need to know about 5th Generational Warfare
(6) Culture War – Dishonoring our Father’s This Fathers Day
(7) Riding the Moral Elephant: A Review of Jonathan Haidt’s The Righteous Mind
